


Helpless

by pdameron



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5565457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pdameron/pseuds/pdameron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of his experience with Kylo Ren, Poe struggles to interact with Rey and Luke, fearful of the force.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Helpless

Poe should have been more thrilled to see the man stepping down from the Millennium Falcon with Rey.

This was _Luke Skywalker_ , for Force’s sake, the man who practically single-handedly blew up the first Death Star, when he was _nineteen._ Poe used to beg his mother and father to tell him the story, of Darth Vader was hot on Luke’s tail, how the odds seemed impossible, how the pilot had used the force to fire the perfect shot; he was a big part of why Poe had wanted to become a pilot in the first place. Instead of excitement, all Poe could feel was an unsettling anxiety. 

He felt the same hesitation upon seeing Rey, who had changed so much since he had seen her last. She was still the same sweet, lonely girl he had met before, but she was more confident, more sure of herself and her abilities. He felt incredibly guilty for his reservations when Rey looked over beamed at the sight of he and Finn, waiting for her. 

Finn was practically vibrating with excitement next to him; thrilled to see the friend he had missed so dearly. All it took was a nudge from Poe to send him running across the hangar, into the arms of a giggling Rey. Poe smiled tightly, an unexpected twinge in his chest at the sight of the reunited pair. 

He and Finn had been inseparable ever since the younger man had awoken from his coma two months before. He hadn’t considered the changes Rey’s homecoming would bring to their lives, but, looking at the two friends, he realized that his time with Finn might be more limited in the future. He couldn’t help the sadness that spread through him at the thought, couldn’t help the regret. Maybe if he had been more open with Finn, if he had just put his pride aside… Poe shook himself, brushing the thoughts aside. He was being selfish. Finn wasn’t obligated to spend time with Poe, and Poe had no right feel possessive over the younger man. 

Poe was interrupted from his brooding by Rey throwing her arms around him.

“Thank you,” she whispered quickly, holding him close. Poe furrowed his brow, confused.

“For what?”

“For looking after him.”

Poe smiled, burrowing his face in her neck.

“I think it was the other way around, to be honest,” he murmured.

Rey pulled away just as Finn caught up, having stayed behind to greet Chewbacca. 

“I told Rey I’d give her a proper tour around base, since she didn’t really get a chance to see it before she left. Wanna come?” 

Poe went to accept the offer, but he stopped himself. He knew Finn had been looking forward to seeing Rey, and catching up with her. He probably wanted to spend some time alone with her, and was only inviting Poe to be polite.

“Nah, I’ve got to go do some work on my X-wing. You two go on. I’ll see you later?”

They nodded, shouting a farewell as they ran off hand in hand. He turned away to head toward his ship, only to walk straight into Luke Skywalker himself.

 

“Poe Dameron?”

“What? I mean – um – yes. That’s me. I’m him. Poe, that is. I’m Poe.” Has Skywalker always had such a piercing stare? It was intimidating, to say the least.

“I’m Luke,” he extended his hand to Poe, who simply stared at the man. Eventually, he realized that he was making an idiot of himself.

“You’re Luke Skywalker,” he said faintly. Luke smiled indulgently at the star struck pilot.

“My sister tells me you’re the best pilot we’ve got, and after hearing about a few of your exploits I’m inclined to agree.”

Poe, who had always been quite proud of his piloting skills, found himself blushing at the praise. It was one thing to know you’re a good pilot. It was another thing entirely to have your childhood hero think the same. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t know about that, sir. I didn’t exactly blow up the Death Star.”

And then they were off. Swapping piloting stories, discussing flight maneuvers… Poe had all but forgotten his earlier reservations.

“So Poe, Rey was telling me about your friend Finn? She he was pretty capable with a lightsaber. Leia said she wouldn’t be surprised if he was force sensitive. What do you think?”

Poe suddenly remembered why he was so hesitant to meet Luke. The absolute last thing he wanted to think about was Finn using the force. If Finn learned how to use the force, then he could –

“I wouldn’t know anything about that, sir. If you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to with… my BB unit,” he said abruptly.

 

Luke seemed to accept his excuse, and Poe all but ran to his quarters in his haste to get away from the man. Once he was back in his room, Poe took a moment to catch his breath, leaning back against the door.

Finn? His Finn? A force user?

Poe sighed. He was being ridiculous. What should it matter if Finn could use the force? If he was force sensitive, he could be a Jedi. Finn would be an amazing Jedi, he was sure of it. But if Finn could use the force, like Luke, and Rey, and- and – Kylo Ren, then he’d be able to –

 

Poe practically leapt out of his skin at the knock on the door he was resting against.

“Poe? Are you in there? Rey and I were headed down to the mess hall. You said you’d come with us, right?”

Poe shook himself. He opened the door, smile firmly in place.

“Alright, food time! Who’s ready for some chow?”

 

Finn and Rey grinned at him, taking one arm each. They all but carried him to the mess hall, chattering away, distracting him from his thoughts. When they arrived in the mess, Poe took it upon himself to introduce Rey to his squad, and soon they were all laughing like old friends. He could tell that Rey was hoping to impress his fellow pilots with her engineering knowledge. There was no point in her trying: they were already impressed simply by the fact that she was, well, Rey.

The other pilots were listening to Rey, enraptured, but Poe’s gaze kept drifting over to Finn. He looked so happy, so at peace looking at her. So happy, in fact, that it made Poe’s heart ache to think that in all these months, he hadn’t been able to give that to Finn. He felt his throat get tight at the thought, and looked down at his food.

When he looked up again, he found Rey looking at him, concern written all over her face. The conversation had apparently drifted toward Finn’s time as a stormtrooper, and Rey was no longer the center of attention, giving her the chance to observe Poe. He threw her his most charming smile with a wink. It did not have its intended result. She leaned over, frowning slightly.

“Are you all right? You’re giving off a lot of negative energy,” at Poe’s puzzled look, she continued. “It’s something Luke’s been teaching me. Through the force, we can be more in tune with the emotions and thoughts of those around us. I can sense a lot of conflict and sadness coming from you. I can’t really help it, you know? We’re so close, and your emotions are really strong.”

Poe’s eyes widened, horrified. He couldn’t think, couldn’t hear anything around him. It felt as if time had slowed down. She was _in his head_. It was as if he was back in the hands of the First Order . His mind wasn’t his own; he was helpless to shield his feelings, his thoughts.He glanced away, and stood up abruptly from the table, startling his companions.

“I just remembered, I promised BB-8 I’d take him for an oil bath this morning. Can’t let my buddy down, you know?”

He walked briskly from the mess, not sparing a confused Rey a backwards glance.

 

Once he was back in his quarters, he locked the door. It had been a flimsy excuse, and he knew it, so he didn’t want to risk anyone coming in to check up on him after his strange display.

He was shaking, and his head was reeling. He needed to calm down. He needed to clear his head, get a grip. A shower. That was what he needed. There was nothing quite like a warm shower when he needed to relax.

He quickly disrobed and hopped into the shower. He kept increasing the temperature of the water until it was practically scalding, but he couldn’t get warm. He was cold all over, shivering and shuddering. He couldn’t get his head straight. Rey gotten into his head, without even trying. She had been in his mind, and he had been defenseless, just like when –

Poe couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t. breathe. The air wouldn’t come into his lungs and he felt as if he would never catch his breath. The world was spinning around him and he was lightheaded. He slid to the ground, holding his knees to his chest.

He was back in that cell, and that horrid, masked man was in his head, and he was drowning in the darkness, lost in his own mind, overwhelmed by the unyielding, vicious presence in his mind. He was being crushed by the oppressive weight of the force against his mind, by the magnitude Kylo Ren’s power. He would never escape; he would never be free of the man before him, scraping through his mind, bringing forth his darkest, most painful memories.

He sat there, in the stream, until the water went cold, until his breathing regulated and he could stand on his shaking legs.

 

He turned off the water, toweled off and, exhausted, slipped into his nightclothes and collapsed onto his bunk, sinking into an uneasy sleep.

 ---------

_He was running. He was running from the darkness, it was chasing him and suddenly he was swallowed whole, falling to the abyss. Images flashed before him: his mother, on her deathbed; his first copilot, dying in a crash; the old man, cut down right in front of him. Suddenly, he was stood before Kylo Ren, frozen in place._

_“Pathetic,” the masked man said, “How could someone so weak hope to stand against the First Order, against me? You are nothing.”_

_Finn was there, he realized, standing just behind Ren. He had a blaster: he was going to save Poe, he was going to rescue him, take him far away from here. Kylo Ren laughed cruelly, turning from Poe to shove his lightsaber through Finn’s heart. Finn was falling, the light draining from his eyes, and Poe was helpless –_

\------ 

 

He woke with a shout, sweat dripping from his forehead and soaking through his shirt. He realized it was a dream, but he couldn’t help his terror.

He had grown up hearing stories about the power of the force, how it had helped the Skywalkers to save the galaxy from the Empire. As a child, he’d listened in awe as his mother had told him about Luke’s final battle with Vader and the Emperor. He knew that the force held an incredible power, one that brought balance to the universe, for the greater good.

But now he had been exposed to the dark side of the force, and he could not escape it.

 

  

Next morning, Poe wandered for some time without any specific destination in mind, but he was unsurprised to find himself in front of his X-wing, his second home. He grabbed a rag and started cleaning the hull. Poe knew for a fact that his ship was the best taken care of X-wing in the entire fleet, but he needed to get his mind off Finn, off Luke, off everything. He went from cleaning to engine maintenance, from maintenance to safety checks, and so on and so forth.

When he had done every single bit of housekeeping he could think of, he decided he might as well take her for a spin, as a little reward for his hard work. Just as he was grabbing his helmet, he felt a prickle at the back of his neck. He turned to see Luke Skywalker staring at him accompanied by the General, Rey, and Finn. The Jedi walked toward him, and Poe felt his heart race. He knew his behavior had been erratic, knew that Rey would have talked to Finn about her concerns, and that it would be difficult to maintain his composure when faced with the powerful man.

Poe felt a sudden calm wash over him, soothing his fears. He had no reason to be anxious over talking to Luke: the man meant him no harm.

Poe paused. Where had this serenity come from? He’d been on edge for the past two days… He gasped suddenly, staring at the man approaching him, helmet slipping from his grasp, hitting the floor with a clang.

Luke was pushing this calmness onto him, as if he was a wild animal about to bolt. He was invading his mind; he was trying to control him –

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD.”

The entire hangar went deadly quiet, everyone staring at Poe, who was now red in the face, panting. Rey walked toward him, cautiously.

“Poe…” she began to speak, but Poe would not hear it.

“GET AWAY FROM ME.”

Everyone was looking at him, everyone looked so concerned, so confused. His eyes met Finn, who looked fraught with worry. He couldn’t bear to be look at him, to let Finn see how weak he really was. He sprinted from the hangar, ignoring the shouts that followed him.

 

Once he was safe from prying eyes, back in his room, he began to sob, shaking from the force of it. Now he’d done it. Everyone knew now, how pitiful Poe was, that he was a broken mess of a man. _Finn_ knew now.

Why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut? He knew that Luke and Rey weren’t trying to hurt him, that they were all on the same team, but the thought of anyone entering his mind, especially people that he trusted, was too much to handle.

He was so lost in thought, so overwrought with grief, that he didn’t hear the door slide open.

He felt a weight settle next to him on the floor, and saw a dark hand cover his own. He wanted to say something, anything, to Finn, but he couldn’t seem to stop crying. Finn didn’t say anything. He simply pulled Poe to him, slung his arm around him, and let him cry. Poe fisted a hand in Finn’s shirt, clutching on to him for as if he was the only thing tethering the pilot to reality.

Eventually, his crying died down, and Poe pulled away to look at Finn, eyes bloodshot and swollen.

“I’m sorry. I’m being ridiculous. You don’t have to stay, I’ll be alright in a bit, back to my usual self.” Poe shot Finn a weak grin. Finn did not return it.

“This is about Kylo Ren, isn’t it?”

Poe scooted away from Finn, holding his knees to his chest. “How do you know that? Luke said that you were force sensitive, did you sense that from my thoughts? Are you-“

“Poe,” Finn interrupted Poe’s rambling, taking his hand. “I’m your friend. I care about you. That’s how I know.”

Poe curled in on himself, ashamed.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, barely audible.

“I’ve had a chat with Luke and Rey,” Finn said, “They didn’t understand why you reacted the way you did. What went down with you and Ren. I thought you might have some trouble with their using the force, but I hadn’t had the chance to mention it. They feel awful. Rey looked like she was gonna cry, she felt so bad.”

Finn put his hand under Poe’s jaw, tilting his head to meet his eyes.

“Poe, why didn’t you tell me?” Finn looked so earnest, so concerned, Poe couldn’t help but answer truthfully.

“I didn’t want you to think I was weak. I wanted you to think I was brave, that I was strong. I didn’t want you to know how broken I was. I’m not the guy you want me to be, Finn.”

Finn smiled softly, shaking his head. “The guy I want you to be is you, Poe. You’re not weak. You’re a hero, whether you think so or not. What I want, what we all want, is for you to be okay.”

“That might take awhile,” Poe responded, chuckling humorlessly.

“That’s fine with me.”

Finn gave a Poe a gentle kiss, which Poe leaned into instinctually.

 

Poe suddenly jumped back, eyes wide.

“I don’t want you to treat me differently because you feel bad for me, Finn. Don’t feel obligated to do this just because it’ll make me happy. I couldn’t stand it if you only kissed me because you pitied me. Besides, I know you have Rey, and –“

Poe was interrupted again, this time by Finn’s lips against his own, firm and insistent. Poe couldn’t help but to wrap his arms around the man, moaning slightly. Finn pulled Poe into his lap, laughing.

“I didn’t kiss you because I felt bad for you, I kissed you because I wanted to, you idiot.”

“Oh. Well that’s different,” Poe kissed Finn again, more confident. Finn sighed into the kiss, running his hands through Poe’s curly hair. The younger man pulled away much too soon, in Poe’s opinion, chuckling at the pilot’s disappointed whine.

“We’ll have plenty of time for that later. What you need right now, is some rest.”

Finn pulled Poe over to the cot, and they lay down together, facing each other. They lay there for some time, just looking into each other’s eyes. Suddenly Finn started laughing.

“What was all that about Rey? Are you mental? All I talk about is you when I’m with her. She says it’s both adorable and annoying. I have a feeling I’ve been wanting this about as long has you have, buddy.” Finn gave a blushing Poe a kiss on the forehead, and tucked the man’s head under his cheek.

With his head resting against Finn’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, wrapped in his arms, Poe felt completely safe. He was at home here, in Finn’s embrace. For the first time in months, Poe found himself drifting into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

He wasn’t going to get better overnight. He would still struggle with Rey and Luke’s using the force around him. There would be good days, and bad days. But Finn would be there with him. So Poe would be okay.


End file.
